give me messy
on life together
shattered glass
A couple of years ago, I finally read Life Together by Dietrich Bonhoeffer. It took me about a year to actually read through it1, but it was everything I longed for a book about “community” to be, everything I felt deep in my soul, and didn’t have the words for.2
But Dietrich did. Oh boy, did he.
It’s challenging because it confronts us as we are, yet it’s simple and easy to digest…which makes it more convicting because you think “Dang it! Why don’t I do what I wish to do and why do I do what I don’t wish to do!”3
We’ve all been there.
But there’s a section in the beginning of the book I think about a lot. I’m just going to include the long clip below. I highly encourage you to read it and sit in it for a second.4
The summary?
Community is never our idealized version of what we think it is, or think it should be. Bonhoeffer is specifically confronting Christian community in this passage (and book, as a whole), but I think the sentiment applies broadly.
Fill in the blank. My idealized version/vision of my (family, friendships, work relationships, teammates, castmates, partnerships, etc.) is not reality. It’s fictional.
The sooner the glass shatters and we realize that the real relationships in our lives will be challenging, and, well, real, the sooner we can see others and ourselves as we really are. And Christ is known to work really well in those spaces.5
We are messy. Life is messy. Life together is messy.
And I want all of it! Give me the mess.
But what is the mess? The mess is many things I suppose. It’s what we call in the bizz Activities of Daily Living (ADLs).
Big things, small things, the things in between.
announcements and art
‘Tis the season for graduations and engagements.
Ring by spring baby! (class rings count too, don’t worry)
Here’s the thing. I am honored to celebrate my friends and family. I love seeing their faces on my fridge everyday. And I’m all about collage art!
But I’m not going to lie.
The current state of my fridge magents + miscellaneous is getting out of hand.
Anarchy, I tell you, anarchy!
The strength of these gift shop magnets was not meant to hold the four cards and two letters and five grad announcements I’m asking it to hold.
But we find a way.
You will notice that I don’t just have announcements on my fridge. I have cards and paintings and scribbles, postcards, doodles, and notes.
Watercolor paintings I did with my niece months ago that I brought to Kansas with me. Drawings and paintings she has both mailed to me and hand delievered.
Postcards from my friends in New York and Spain and East Asia.
Birthday cards and thank you notes.
Sure, it’s visually jarring. But it makes my heart sing.
What a gift that doing life with others means celebrating big moments surrounded by the everyday ones.
And so it is with my fridge.
dirty dishes (or is it my dirty laundry?)
My mom came to visit me in Wichita this past weekend (Happy Mother’s Day to ME!). When I’m living out of state, there are two things I always ask my family to bring me from home: Presta coffee and La Estrella tortillas.
I’m a Tucson girl, what can I say?
Stocked with tortillas and fueled by a freshly brewed cup of Presta joe, we6 cooked enchiladas and prepped other meals for dinner and for my freezer (shoutout The Recession Chef for the fire honey chicken recipe).
During enchilada day, there was a moment that I had what can only be called “a moment”. A very irrational moment.
You see, I have a divided sink in my kitchen, and I usually put my dirty dishes on the right side of the sink while they wait to get washed. The right side is the side with the garbage disposal, so there is a method to my madness. This, however, does not justify what comes next.
Did I tell my mom my very specific “right side for dirty dishes” rule? No. No I did not.
Did my mom put the dirty dishes on the right side of the sink? No. No she did not.
Did I get very quiet and weirdly standoff-ish as I tried to chill myself out becuase I knew I was being crazy and irrational but it was still bothering me that the dishes were on the left side?
Yes. Yes I did.
As we all know, mothers are very intuitive creatures, so she picked up pretty quickly that I was Not Okay.
So I proceeded to explain to my mom how I felt crazy because I know it didn’t matter where the spoons went, but it was my first time having someone stay at my place since I’d moved in, and I’ve gotten really used to having my own space and only having to deal with myself and my tendencies and my quirks for the past couple months. So I was struggling to be cool. But in fact, I was being very uncool.
I felt bad for my neuroticism and she felt bad for feeling like she was in the way (she wasn’t) and I felt bad that she felt bad.
There’s nothing quite like the mom-daughter female relationship complex.
But you bet your bottom I wouldn’t trade the messy sink interaction for the world.
Because my mom was here. And for the weekend, I got to have my mom with me in my new home. I got to go on walks and eat home-cooked meals and stay up late watching Friends with my mom for four days.
Dirty dishes and crying with your mom.
That’s the good life, man.
live laugh love the long haul
My sweet, sweet friends from church, Jillian and Aidan, just closed on their first house this week. EEEEKK!!! SO exciting! Praise the Lord!!!
They invited some friends and people from church to be a part of the move in process: cleaning, moving, blessing. I had the privilege of spending my Tuesday afternoon cleaning their new home. I tackled the air vents while Jillian tore up old carpet in the closet and Aidan switched the locks.
I cannot explain to you how sweet this day was for me.
I haven’t lived in Wichita very long. I’m a newbie. I’m still learning to say “ar-KANSAS” and go OUTSIDE to the porch when I get the tornado warning.7 It’s slow going, but I think I’m getting the hang of it.
But in this short time, the Lord has been so kind to surround me with truly outstanding humans. Amazing coworkers, friendly neighbors, and a sweet church family. It’s an answered prayer, to say the least.8
When Jill and Aidan’s family trickled in throughout the evening to be there for the blessing of the house, I got an assortment of comments along the lines of “Wow! It’s so nice of you to be here cleaning!” or “How’d you get roped into this one?”
I found myself replying, “This is what it’s all about.”
And I meant it. And I mean it now.
This is what it’s all about!!!!
Dusty air vents. Sitting on the front steps chatting with Jill for an hour while the house aired out after finding mouse droppings. Pizza in folding chairs in an empty living room for dinner. Dry hands from cleaning solution. Dropping screws and vacuuming up plaster.
It’s a privilege to be a part of someone’s life in this way.
To be invited into the big moments through the mundane.
The past few months, this hasn’t been an isolated event. I’ve had people I’ve known for mere weeks pick me up from the airport (hey there Genny and John) and help me transport my new table across town (Lambo is the man) and invite me into their homes for meals (Julie, Josh, Kyle, Kelsey, Genny, John, Katie, Parker, Lambo, Shannon, Ashleigh). I’ve played with kiddos and wiped urine off floors and picked up flowers.
Life together for the long haul is a life filled with spills and spilling over with laughter, with cracked hands and cracking smiles.
So, yes. Give me all of it. If this is community, then I want more mess, more inconvenience, and more discomfort. Crowded fridges and a full heart.
I want Mrs. Peter’s Perfect Birthday Cake.9 The beauty and joy that only comes through the messes of our particularities and personalities and peculiarities. The beauty and joy of being human, together.
if you can’t handle me at my worst then you don’t deserve me at my best (or something like that)
You know the cliches. You only see a rainbow after the rain. You don’t get the mountains without the valleys. If he doesn’t love you at your lowest he’s trash. Whatever it is, you’ve heard it, you’ve said it, you’ve rolled your eyes at it.
But here’s the thing. I kinda get it. And, unfortunately, it’s almost the thesis of my entire article.
Almost.
I’m not saying you don’t get the graduation announcements and wedding invitations if you don’t drive your loved ones to the airport.
But I am saying that your drive to the airport is probably longer than the amount of time you will spend with someone at their wedding or graduation.
Just something to think about.
I pray this week that you embrace the inconvenient moments with the people around you, at work, at home, at church, in traffic. The moments that you are confronted with your wishes, and you choose to put the reality of somone else’s needs first.
You might just find Christ has beaten you there, waiting for you in the dust all along.
Loving you and your neighbor before you loved Him (or them).10
Grace and Peace my friends. I am blessed to do this life with you. I am blessed to share in the mess!
With Love,
Ains
This is funny because it’s a very thin book for being 122 pages. I’m the queen of starting books and (maybe) finishing them years later. I’m “halfway” through probably a gagillion books. And I WILL keep buying new books and starting new books. HAHA. SUE ME.
No Greater Love by Rebecca McLaughlin is a close second on this list, btw. And yes, I’ve actually read that one all the way through as well.
Romans 7:14-25
Excerpt citation is as follows in MLA (thanks Purdue OWL)
Bonhoeffer, Dietrich. Life Together. Harper & Row, 1954.
I will make this preface here for the sake of clarity. Of course we should hope, strive, and work for better relationships and interpersonal dynamics. By all means! If you are a Christian, it’s one pieces of our call to be peacemakers in the places we are in. There is a time and place for the conversation around healthier relationships. However, the point of this piece is more about embracing the imperfect parts of life together that make life beautiful and FULL. That’s all.
“we” as in I had strong creative vision and my mom had a stronger work ethic. Happy Mother’s Day Mom!
I mean, how else are you going to watch the storm with your neighbors??
For those of you who have been with me this past year, I think you know the weight of this answered prayer in my life. Praise be to God.
Go to your local library, right this second. Go straight to the kid’s section. Read The Seven Silly Eaters by Mary Ann Hoberman. And be blessed.
1 John 4:19
Best thing to read in a waiting room🤭I’m visiting your mess (and you’re getting some of mine) in T- 6 days hehehe!!