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Often times, emotions are messy, anything but linear or predictable.1 This week has been one of those weeks. And that’s okay. For it’s in these times of life I feel the Lord so near, and so close.
For He is close to the brokenhearted.2
It still sucks though, lol. That’s just honest.
Because when your emotions are messy, it’s hard not to feel messy, as a person. I get it.
About a year ago, I wrote this little snippet:
I am so embarrassed by myself.
sometimes I feel so big
that it makes me
feel small.
Like I said, it’s been one of those weeks.
Look, I’m no expert on emotions. My degree specialized in managing sports, not the heart. But I do feel like an expert in feeling—I’ve got loads of experience in that department. And I’ve learned a thing or two over the years about how to go through it and I’ll give you the best I’ve got right now:
you just gotta go through it.
(you’re welcome)
Messy. Present. Overwhelmed. Distracted. Honest. Broken.
Human.
There’s lots of great advice from really qualified people on how to go through grief or heartache or reckoning or disappointment or rejection or xyz. That’s not what this is.
This is a girl writing to whoever feels alone in their feeling, and just needs a friend. Someone to come alongside you and say, “Hey! It’s not just you. Me too! I feel undone too. Let’s sit in this—not forever!—but for now. Me and you (and Jesus!!).”
In this space, we are not picking up shame or bitterness or embarrassment.
We are sitting at the feet of Jesus as He sits with us, weeping with those who weep, comforting those who mourn, offering a garment—a covering—of praise for spirit of despair.3 Feeling and being and surrendering. Maybe crying, up to you.
So if this space is for you today, welcome. You are not messy—that’s not who you are, even if where you’re at is a mess. You are loved, and the Lord is near.
And it’s okay to feel.
waves
I wrote a poem this week while I sat on the beach. The ocean had better words for how I felt than these, but nonetheless, a poem. I wasn’t going to share this, but here we are.
This one’s for you.
it comes and goes in waves. it feels endless constant crashing. pulling me in and spitting me out. ebbing and flowing all over from and through my heart. flooding my mind. pouring out of my eyes. and yet it feels so transitory. I'm unable to pin it down. here a moment gone the next. constantly chaning. I'm never the same. it won't stay this way forever. I won't be this way forever. but the tide will continue. as it does. and as it comes and goes in waves I must let it wash over me. cover me. drench me. and maybe, just maybe, it'll cleanse me as it does. over and over again. until it goes and never comes back.
“Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy. Those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with them.”
Psalm 126:5-6 (NIV)
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always persevers. Love never fails.”
1 Corinthians 13:4-8a (NIV)
Grace and Peace,
Ains
aka frustrating and annoying
Psalm 34:18
Romans 12; Isaiah 61
Deep from within the heart...thank you!!!